So, it happened again. I forgot to sign out of my gmail account whilst Kevin and Mindy were in the room. I really must learn that this is akin to asking the wolf in to dinner. They seem to have taken up the reins since Debora Faye left to China, but they did her proud this afternoon. Methinks that Kevin is mainly to blame but nevertheless, they are married so therefore Mindy is guilty by association. Anyway, without further ado, I present for your consideration a conversation Kevin and "I" had this afternoon via e-mail.
Kevin, I like your muscles.
Why, thank you Summer! I've been working out.
I thought you might've been. It's no small wonder, the way you're so driven, disciplined, level-headed and forward-thinking.
I wish I were like you sometimes.
Well, you know. I try.
Some have picked on me for my keen insights into the world of self discipline.
Well observed, grasshoppah.
Of course, you must try—although it seldom appears difficult for you.
I have been working on observing the great and talented people I look up to the most. I appreciate that you will take me on as a mentor.
Ah, um, I think there's been a slight misunderstanding. While I support your growth, I find it rather belittling that you'd assume I have the time for a mentorship program. What, with all the several thousand children I've saved by donating chest hair to be mailed to Africa, I sometimes don't have time for my other teaching endeavors here locally. The shaving process is intense and time-consuming.
Ah. My mistake. I retract my statement and hope sincerely that you won't take any disrespect to my oblivious approach to the matter. As for the chest hair, I am proud of you for making these donations. What a selfless and wonderful way to support the penal colonies with protein deficiencies. Plus, I'll bet with strong hair such as yours must be they can do many things, much like Native Americans did by using every part of the Buffalo (not to imply you have buffalo-like qualities, except that you burst forth with productive by-products).
Have you ever considered marketing your usefulness to a larger crowd? Many people would probably die at the chance to meet someone so selfless and kind. Perhaps we could make an appeal to the other nations of the world to put you on a tour track for the benefit of mankind. That seems plausible.
Why, I'm honored! I must say, though, that my motivation comes from pure selfless motive. To tour the planet would be to take on celebrity status. While that might be necessary from some perspectives, I'd rather not take this human-kind sponsorship to that level.
Again, I appreciate your kind words. I wish you luck in your ongoing quest to become more like me.
Thank you, Kevin. Your inspiring nature has touched me today, and I shall not soon forget it.
Certainly. Have a great day.
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Correct me if I'm wrong but I was waxing fairly Wes Anderson there for a minute there wasn't I? I'm a genius. I shall submit this script posthaste and await my million. What a productive afternoon.