Captain Destructo Strikes Again

So The Captain and I have been trying something new recently. Feeling slightly guilty about leaving dog face alone in a kennel for hours on end, we decided to try putting him out on our lanai instead. It was bigger, had a view and since we had cleared it off there was nothing on it for him to destroy, well except for the screen door but we weren't terribly worried about that.

From the get-go it was a great idea. He wasn't nearly so whiny and distressed when we left (not that he complained much to begin with) and he seemed much more contented in general.

Now weather I should or not, I, like most good mothers, seem to have an unwavering faith in my little dog-child. No matter how many times he has transgressed against us I am always willing to give him another chance, because I know that he has learned his lesson and won't do it again. The Captain on the other hand doesn't buy into this philosophy at all. He looks at Jasper and sees a juvenile delinquent who is poised and ready to strike whenever our backs are turned.

Keeping this in mind, there have been times over the past two weeks when hot days have made me think that closing the screen door alone would be sufficient. At these times however The Captain has nicely yet firmly reminded me that our dog is a villain and that if we planned on having a working screen door upon our return we had better just use the glass door instead. "Oh posh!" I've thought to myself in those moments. "He hasn't destroyed anything in weeks! I'm sure he would leave it alone." But in the back of my mind, common sense and Cesar Millan tell me not to set my dog up for failure and so I conceded and lock him in his glass cage.

Well this morning while The Captain and I were at work and Jasper was home on the lanai we had a rainstorm of epic proportions. Jasper hates water falling from the sky. I'm guessing it gives him terrifying flashbacks to his most recent shower. In any case this is what I came home to.

Evidently before we left this morning we shut both doors instead of just one. The result? I get to learn how to apply screen to a sliding door. It's okay though. I'm sure he won't do it again.

Skydiving!!!

So, we went skydiving and it was amazing! Here are some pictures. Sorry there is no photographic proof that we actually jumped. They wanted an extra $100 for photos. Please...

The place where it all went down.

Chute packing station.

The jumpers!

Getting strapped in. 

Me and my instructor Carson.

Goggles!!

Me and Dell in free-fall position.

Michael and instructor Bryan.

The reassuring warning on the back of our harnesses.
"Parachute systems sometimes fail to operated correctly even when properly manufactured assembled, packed and operated. You risk serious injury or even death each time you use this system."
Yeah. Ok.

Jumpers away!

We made it!!!

Doing my part for the environment

I was just going to throw the bag away when I remembered that I owed it to the environment to recycle, reduce and reuse. 

Chocolate Croissant

So Kristy was working the register the other day when a man from Arkansas came up, looked in the pasty case and said, "I would like one of that them thar chocolate croissants please."

"Ok sir, No problem." Kristy said. "That's going to be $5.08"

The good sir paid, took his chocolate croissant and left the store.

About 5 minutes later he returned.

"Um, I'm gonna need a refund for this here chocolate croissant."

Kristy looked from him to the two bites of pasty left in his hand. "Uh, what seems to be the problem sir?" She asked wondering what could possibly be wrong since he's eaten 9/10ths of it.

"Well, I didn't realize that this croissant had chocolate in it and I gave it to my girlfriend and she's afraid that the chocolate is going to make her fat so I'm just going to need to get a refund."

Kristy stared at him in disbelief for a half second and then with some considerable will power mastered hers snarky remarks and relied, "Sir I'm very sorry. I don't know what I can do for you. We can't give refunds on pastries and the label does say that it's a CHOCOLATE croissant. That, and there is chocolate on top of it..."

"I, I know. But I didn't realize that there would be chocolate inside..."

"I'm very sorry sir. But I'm afraid I can't do anything for you. Have a nice day."

When did this behavior become acceptable?

Jasper Drinks Tea

Jasper has really made leaps and bounds in his development but two months ago he was not so wise. 

It was a Saturday night and Michael and I had friends over to play games. We had been playing awhile when I decided to get myself a cup of tea. MMMmmmm. Tea. Yummy. 

When I sat down Jasper came over and we had the following exchange.

"Hey. Hey Mom. Mom. Mom. What's that? What's that? Mom. What's that?"

"Jasper no. That's hot." (Gently pushing him away from the steaming mug) "No."

"Hey, what is it?" (Licks the steam from the air) "It looks....interesting!"

"Buddy, no. It's Hot." (Push away)

"I want it!!!" 

"NO."

"Food!!!"

"You really don't want this."

"Want. Want. WANT!"

"FINE." 

"Yea!!" 

Elated Jasper pressed forward and took a lick, and much to his shock and surprise it was HOT. He backed up and looked at me in utter betrayal. 

"Why did you let me drink that?!"

If this is what having kids is like, bring it on. 

The off-board filter

So, as I mentioned before my dear friend Kristy has temporarily lost her filter. Thankfully she married one named Tim.

Tim is wonderfully understanding of Kristy's temporary handicap and has started honing his "cleanup" skills. Gentlemen if you have a wife that is, or will soon be pregnant you might want to work on this phrase. When she does something that you and everyone else around you knows is slightly crazy or just plain rude, wait until she has stormed away, put on your most charming grin point in her direction and say, "I'm sorry. She's pregnant." 

No Filter

Let's play a game. Close your eyes and imagine that you are standing in line at the bank. It's about 10 in the morning and there are two people ahead of you. As you're waiting for the next teller the man in front of you farts so loudly that unless you were deaf there is no way that you couldn't have heard him. What do you do? 

Pregnant people amuse me greatly. A couple weeks ago my barista friend Kristy discovered that she was pregnant. Now Kristy is a wonderful woman. She has a kind heart, a good sense of humor and is going to make an excellent mother. That said, I have noticed that since she started manufacturing her mini-me  her "Filter" has been switched off. You know the one I'm talking about. The little mechanism that keeps all those snarky remarks inside your head from coming out your mouth? Yep. That's the one. It's off.

Now, awhile back I was reading through my Zobmondo book when I came across this scenario: "Would you rather always have say what's on your mind or never say what's on your mind?" I thought about it for awhile and decided to go for the latter option. Mainly because I have far too many wicked thoughts running around upstairs and being forced to say them would probably land me in the hospital. I never considered pairing the former option with pregnancy. Pregnant women can get away with just about anything. 

That said, let's return to the bank where Kristy stands in line behind the man who has just dropped the biggest bomb since Hiroshima. Her internal monologue went like this, "Oh, My, G-D...! That. Is. Rancid!" At the window teller number one is finishing with his customer, "That will be twenty...-chuckle-...twenty one, two, -laughter- and three." Teller number one succumbs to laughter followed shortly by teller number two, and it is then that Kristy realizes that her internal monologue was not internal at all. Oh no. In fact it was incredibly external and everyone has heard what she has said, including the man in front of her who is now beet red.

This is going to be the most memorable 9 months ever.